


this crack thing that somehow im not too embarrassed to post

by atlas_oulast



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 19:14:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18597676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlas_oulast/pseuds/atlas_oulast
Summary: don’t ask ok





	this crack thing that somehow im not too embarrassed to post

Jenna Rolan screamed in agony as her left shoe suddenly grew a face. Eyes, mouth, cheekbones, a bunch of curly dark blonde hair- oh shit, this was Chloe Valentine, her worst fucking enemy. Goddamnit.

“Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!! Now I get to eat your fat little foot!” Chloe bit daintily at Jenna’s ankle, and Jenna screamed like she was being burned to death.

“Mistress. Please, I’ll be good, just don’t eat my foot! Oh, my dear, precious foot, it is so dear to me, I must be able to keep it, or else... or else I shall lead a violent military coup against your ugly and terrifying rein as Blonde Alien Queen of Middleborough High!!!! I cannot do this, I cannot!”

“You will never lead a coup, how would you, without a foot? Do you think a peg leg would serve you well? No, you’d stumble and fall with each step, it is perfectly inevitable, dear Jenna Rollerstkates.”

Jenna screeched again as suddenly she grew roller skates on her head. The chloe head on her foot laughed maliciously and yanked her head up, forcing Jenna to flip like an acrobat on drugs into her head.

Chloe laughed again. “Now I have the high ground, idiot Magee!! I’m amazing, I’m great, I’m the queen of the whole fucking universe and nobody can stop me!” She called for her evil minions from her home planet of Ha Ha Ha Joke’s On You, Bitch and told them to kill everyone on earth using Twizzlers and M&Ms as swords to commit the mass slaughter.

Jenna watched in horror as one by one, all her friends were killed, Christine just as she was about to hit an E60000000000 note as Christine Daae in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 18th phantom sequel, and Rich and Jake just as they were about to get Smeeeeeeexyyyyyyy OwO and then everyone else. The blood turned all the m&ms red, which was Jenna’s favourite m&m colour, so she ate the bloody m&ms coated with the salty sweet lifeblood of six other people.

Then the SQUIP came back and bit Jenna in the neck and turned her into a zombie vampire queen, and as her first act of ruler of the universe, she ordered only red M&Ms to ever be made again, and that all other colours should be destroyed in a fire set by Rich on an ocean liner in the middle of the Trans Pacific Atlantic Arctic Middle Land ocean and so it was. Her second act was to stomp her foot on the ground and dislodge Chloe’s teeth from her foot and then use her as a bowling ball in her new royal bowling alley, with the path to where the pins are set lined with needles and the Sharp kind of pins, and the pins themselves being made of concrete but also being laced with 177:93929373829101973637382992010172627638292 tons of dynamite so that when Chloe’s head hit the pins, everything exploded and her head was crushed and other fun stuff.

They scraped what was left of her head, now a flattened pancake on the ground, and used her blood and brains for the Red M&Ms, but Chloe was so sick in the head that it made everyone who ate red M&Ms sick, including Jenna, who ate the most red M&Ms of all.

So Christine came back from the dead, sang the rest of Phantom Of The Opera (Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) Reprise) (Reprise) and got a standing ovation and then sucked all the sickness out of everyone with her magical singing voice, and then she became Twilight Sparkle.

She used her magical alicorn pony magic to turn all the people who ever died except for Hitler and other horrible horrible people into magical happy ponies, and they all went to go live in Ponyville and Ponytopia and Canterlot and Manehattan.

Now Jenna was mad because all of her royal subjects were dead so she divised a plan to get all of them back. First, she ordered Rich to un-burn all the different colours of M&Ms and then she put them all under a giant plastic box for them to eat, because sweet shit is like catnip to magical ponies. One by one all the ponies came under the box to come eat the M&Ms, and when Jenna thought they were all under there, she pulled the string attached to the twizzler sword stick holding up the plastic box, and then slid a piece of paper under the box and flipped it over and put the lid on so now she had all the ponies back!!! Except for one, and that was Christine Pony, who’d become the good and fair magical ruler of Pony Whatever Whatever World.

So Christine Pony re-enacted the whole plot of Trolls but only with herself on the Magical Pony Whatever Whatever World Stage and when that failed she went out on an adventure to go back to the fabled planet Earth that she hadn’t heard of in a long time (how long?) a very long time. She grabbed her magical unicorn horn lightsaber which was taller than 10,000 Donald Trumps and sailed to E-Arth on a magical steamboat but halfway there it started to go vroom vroom instead of rrr rrr and it turned into a magical minivan that could go the speed of light!! But it still took Christine Pony 800000000 light years to get back to her old home and she wrote 36 more Phantom of the Opera sequels on the way.

When she finally got there, all the ponies were still alive, but really really really really really really really really really really old and their almost immortal life was coming to an end but luckily if they got slashed in half by Christine Pony’s magical unicorn horn lightsaber they could turn into Darth Vader ponies and gain god status.

But since it was a children’s show rather than cutting Jenna up into a million bazillion bajillion pieces and making her into enough food to feed all the ponies for the rest of their immortal god lives even though they technically didn’t need to eat anymore because they were G O D S and all that jazz and when Christine Pony saw I, Lemony Snicket, type that, she launched into a rendition of All That Jazz from that weird musical about burlesque stuff that I’ve only heard the song where they do all that jazz and people die and the one where all the pyscotic women brutally murder their husbands and the really evil one kills T W O W H O L E P E O P L E C U Z S H E S L O L S O P O W E R F U L and anyway Christine Pony’s performance of All That Jazz lasted eight thousand years and everyone died during it but she brought them back to life every time they died (which was 69 times) so it’s ok

So anyway what’d they do with Jenna? Well they’re nice people so they just turned her into a dragon and chained her to a mountain and forced her to eat her own liver every single day and all the ponies lived in harmony for thousands of years.

But every day, Jenna Dragon got angrier and angrier and eventually blew up because she got too angry and stuff and the entire universe died because she was R E A L L Y angry but it’s all ok because Christine Pony came to the rescue and saved the day again and brought everyone back to life only now they were all pokemon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christine Pony no more, now she was Pikastine!! And Jeremy was a Eveee how cute and that one character that none of you know but I, the author knows and her name is Thalia and she’s a squirtle and Brooke is her girlfriend and she’s just roast beef and didn’t get to have a Pokemon Ultra Sun Moon Green Red Purple Whatever form uwu saaaad anyway Michael is a cubone and he’s not important and Chloe head cane badk oh no and she’s a Ralts and Jenna Dragon came back oh no and she’s just a lizard but sometimes she’s a goat and sometimes she’s a Barbie.

So Jenna Lizard Goat Barbie offered Chloe Ralts her Barbie form since Chloe was really angry that she couldn’t evolve and stuff like that and Chloe accepted so Jenna used her magical lizard goat Barbie powers of FRIENDSHIP and switched out their brains but oh no Chloe didn’t know how to control it so she got stuck as a goat and a Really angry goat so she blew up the entire world SO THERE


End file.
